Sometimes I find myself acting like an old grumpy lady. You know, someone who dismiss everthing everyone says. Someone who’s bitter. I really wish I could shape up on that delicious side of me. We are two now. It’s not just me. I can’t just act as I did when I was single..
Old lady
0
Drinks with my baby. This monday has been ok.
Love always strikes me. Wherever I am in life. Love will always be around. I can simply not breathe without it. Now that I’ve been steady with a guy for 14 months. I can not be happier. Life takes some amazing u-turns sometimes.
Same thing as last year. We’re off work. Both of us. But still not together.
I hope this is our last summer apart.
I hope.
I’m going away. He’s going away.
Not together.
Apart.
Watched all go by
Was it really true?
Is that what it was?
Was that really you?
I’m looking back again
Tracing back the threads
You said it was a mess
Or was it just in my head?
Somethings gotta break
Too many years of dying
Why is that?
- Matthew Perryman Jones
I just tortured myself. I just read a text that he wrote 4 years ago. It took me back. My stomache ached. I can’t believe words can just take me back like that. I swore to myself it wouldn’t affect me when I’d moved on. But it does. It always will. I’m happy now. And it’s gonna stay that way for the rest of my life. But have you met someone who affected you in a way that you didn’t even knew was possible? That’s what he is for me. I never thought I would feel anything when I read it today. But I did. What I felt was pain. A sting in my heart. No happy memories. Just how badly he hurt me. How he ripped my world apart. Despite all of this.
I hope he’s happy.
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing any loveletters to you lately. Ironically love stroke me and I haven’t had any inspiration what so ever to write anything here. But now. I have. Because love is not a mistery anymore it’s a fact. And I love it.
I’ve been with this man that I love for more than a year now. And I can’t help to find myself lost. Lost in love. Not that I’m not happy. It’s just that, I finding myself standing with this amazing man that I love more than anything in front of me thinking “why? why me?”. This is (what i’ve heard and read) a common problem among us women. That we don’t find ourselves being enough. Not having enough to give. But he tells me that I do have something to give. I just have a hard time understanding that..
I love him.
Despite this, I’ll try to do better giving you some lovin’.
21 march 2011 15:58 (32 days since his last letter)
Hey baby..
I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since I wrote to you. There is so much going on over here, I never thought I’d get a life going here. But I have. Last night I hung out with all the boys, we were out drinking beer and just had a really great time! Right now I’m teaching in 1st grade. The kids are hilarious! There’s especially one kid called Adam, he always giggle when I come in the room and tell all these crazy stories about his goat named Charles. (Goodness, will he ever come to the part where he says he misses me?)
Australia is amazing. I never wanna leave. All the people here are so humble and they have really taken care of me. You should really come and see this! I think you’d appreciate it. The love of giving and take is out of the ordinary. (Bla bla bla, what about, “honey, I miss you, I’d wish we could share this together”.)
So, there’s one more thing I wanted to write to you.. (Ohmygod, here it comes). I’ve met someone. Who’s out of the ordinary.. And I just.. I’m sorry baby. It’s just that it’s been 4 months since I left now.. And.. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t wait for me at home. (A knife just hit my heart and decided to cut out a piece of it.)
I love you.
You know that.
Love,
Eric.
He’s mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
I just wish he could share this day with me in which I feel so distressed.
But he’s no around.
